Scheduling Fights

In solution focused therapy, one technique that is sometimes helpful with couples is called the scheduling fights task. The couple (usually prone to conflict) is told that they are only allowed to fight at certain times. For instance they may be allowed 2 hours on Wednesday night the first week, and 1 hour the next week. Often they are told to fight hard during these times but to avoid fighting any other time.

What is the point you may ask? First, it helps a couple to interrupt their old patterns of fighting, something they may sometimes feel is impossible to stop. But when they do this exercise they do find it is possible! The old cycle is broken and they now have the opportunity to try something new.

The second benefit is that one or both members of the couple see the process of fighting as something they can actually control. Many fighting couples come into therapy believing they can't help fighting and that the other person makes them fight. Yet when they start scheduling fights, they realize the can indeed control themselves (and thus their fighting) if they choose to. What at first seems inevitable and beyond control is not really so. They realize that fighting is not so inevitable after all.

By interrupting the old pattern and showing them that they can control one's actions, the myth of endless fighting is challenged. Paired with some other techniques, this task can be useful to help a couple wanting to change things, maybe it would be helpful for you?