"Try"

Do.
Or do not.
There is no try.
- Yoda

Warning: This post may land on you harshly as I may crush one of your most cherished defense mechanisms so if you aren't at a good place to be challenged - skip this post! If not, steel thyself and continue reading.

I was listening to a tape series on solution focused counselling a few weeks ago and really enjoyed it. The speaker worked with angry adolescents and had a very practical approach. One of the things that I remembered (and which we talked about in my small group last night) was the word "try." This speaker said that the words we use are very important. For instance, when we say the word 'but' what we really are saying is "whatever I said previous to 'but" isn't what I believe to be true, what I say after 'but' is what I really think is true (I catch myself doing this all the time by the way).

The same is very true of the word "try." According to this therapist, when we say "I tried" what we really mean is that "I chose not to _______." We use 'try' to justify to ourselves or to others that we did our best but were overcome by circumstances, our lack of self control, the futility of challenging fate, etc. It's a word we use to try to tell people we want to change but aren't. The truth is that we didn't really "try," we choose not to do the things we tell ourselves we want to do. When I tell people "I'm trying to get to bed at a decent time but haven't been successful" what I really mean is "I chose not to go to bed at a decent time." When we tell people we are trying to spend more time with our kids what we are really saying is "I'm choosing not to spend more time with our kids."

At our small group we were discussing this interesting concept and I said "When we say 'I am trying to lose weight' what we really mean is we are choosing not to do what it takes to lose weight.' " At this point I was warned to be careful! Here is where we get sensitive. "Mark," you may say, "You don't know how hard it is to ______, I really am trying." It is true, what you may be "trying" to do may be extremely difficult and sometimes we can't change certain things in our lives. I simply point out to you that when you use the word 'try' you probably aren't being honest with yourself. We use "try" as a means to protect ourselves from the truth. The harsh reality is that we all have free will to choose our own destiny or accept where we are at. The behaviors we choose (or don't choose) determine that reality.

Alas, the truth is the truth no matter how we try and phrase it. If you are 'trying' to stop a bad habit (or addiction), lose excess weight, be a better spouse, not get mad at your kids, plant a garden, etc and it's not working then perhaps it's time to admit the truth. To say you 'tried' means you chose not to do what it actually takes. Personally I find this truth to be freeing. I can keep 'trying' to stop a bad habit (even for several years as I look for compassion for others) or choose the difficult new behaviors necessary to rid myself of it. You can too.

This is fairly radical thinking. What do you think of it?