The Dance of Anger part deux

Harriet: "If feeling anger signals a problem, venting anger does not solve it. Venting anger may serve to maintain, and even rigidify, the old rules and patterns in a relationship, thus ensuring that change does not occur." (pg. 4)

Jacquie: Ever just ranted and raved at your mate, or good friend and felt "better" after? But did anything relationally really change from your venting?

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Harriet: "Nothing, but nothing, will block the awareness of anger so effectively as guilt and self-doubt. Our society cultivates guilt feelings in women such that many of us still feel guilty if we are anything less than an emotional service station to others." (pg.7)

Jacquie: Do you agree guilt and women/mothers go hand in hand?

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Harriet: "Those of us who fight ineffectively are usually caught up in unsuccessful efforts to change a person who does not want to change. When our attempts to change the other person's beliefs, feelings, reactions, or behaviors do not work, we may then continue to do more of the same, reacting in predictable, patterned ways that only escalate the very problems we complain about. We may be so driven by emotionality that we do not reflect on our options for behaving differently or even believe that new options are possible. thus, our fighting protects the old familiar patterns in our relationships..." (pg.9)

Jacquie: OOOhhh. So guilty here, the nagging, the blaming, the crying and stomping. Many years I have tried to change Bob, and he so far has never changed because I thought he should. And it turns out, all my "reactions" drove us further away from change.

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Harriet: "Our anger can be a powerful vehicle for personal growth and change if it does nothing more than help us recognize that we are not yet clear about something and that it is our job to keep struggling with it." (pg.107)

Jacquie: When I feel myself getting angry, these are good times for me to say to myself, "what am I really angry about here?" "Is there something I, (not someone else) could change in this situation?"

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Harriet: "Countermoves are the other person's unconscious attempt to restore a relationship to its prior balance or equilibrium, when anxiety about separateness and change gets too high...Our job is to keep clear about our own position in the face of a countermove - not to prevent it from happening or to tell the other person that he or she should not be reacting that way." (pg.35)

Jacquie: A wise woman told me this week, you can only be responsible for what you are responsible for. I have seen in Bob's and my relationship, his attempt to escalate an argument, when I won't fall into our old pattern of fighting. (I'm not bragging, I've got a long way to go, I'll be honest.) I can be responsible for my end of the fighting, to not blame, nag, and speak in "you" messages. I can express my feelings (NOT TO CHANGE HIS, but to clarify my position), I can ask to regroup myself so we can talk later when it's not so heated...and in the end, if they freak out, or play the martyr, I can't be held responsible for his reaction.

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Harriet: "Even if we are convinced that the other person is ninety-seven percent to blame, we are still in control of changing our own three percent." (pg.56)

Jacquie: Need I say more?

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Harriet: "But we know that this interaction [of blaming] is really a circular dance in which the behavior of one partner maintains and provokes the behavior of the other. The circular dance has no beginning and no end. In the final analysis, it matters little who started it. The question of greater significance is: 'How do we break out of it?'" (pg.?)

Jacquie: I think Harriet said if one person changes the step in the dance, the same dance can't continue...praise God, there's hope!

Ok, folks, I'm not sure I'm back...so I'm leaving you with these tasty tidbits. If you're interested, she's also written a book called The Mother Dance. If I had ninja stars, I'd give them, but I think I'd like to finish these books first...and like I said, I have a hard time finishing books!!

Yes, another guest blogger

I'm afraid I'm doing the equivalent to "cutting someone off" on the road, except on Mark's blog, sorry if I'm cutting in Terry, I'm guessing because of the weather you've been unable to post...hence, why I'm here!!



Anyways, I'm Jacquie. Mark and I met at Briercrest in 1993, I fell in love with his mom and dad and became an "adopted" daughter I guess. Jobina and I enjoy coffee together when we can, and I let her hold my babies so she can get her baby fix in! :o) What a privilege it has been to know them. I've been married for 13 years (incredible...days we thought we'd never make it past 1, or2, or3 years...we are passionate disagreeers sometimes), I'm the mother of 4 children (also incredible...I actually apparently wanted 6 growing up, but we have successfully stopped at 4.) Their ages are 7, 4, 2 years and 5 months. I'm currently on a maternity leave from one of the most fulfilling jobs I've ever known, a labor and delivery nurse at St. Boniface Hospital in Winnipeg, MB. I've been sucked in by the whole "card making" business, and the honest truth is I love it, but am weary of being called "crafty." I don't craft, I make cards, Ok? Is that enough introduction to build some credibility to post here????? I guess Mark will let me know!



Unlike Mark, I am not an avid book reader, I got through all of high school without reading an entire book in English class. I remember finding out in the middle of a test that a character had died in the book I didn't finish. I think I got better through Bible college, I managed to get through most of the Bible, but failed miserably through the Pentateuch...I think Leviticus did me in. And having children, well, 4 of them, is not very conducive to lengthy reading. But something caught my attention this maternity leave, I'll leave you to put two and two together, but the name of the book is The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner.



She prefaces the book right at the start to say that this book isn't meant to be a technical explanation of why women find themselves angry, or for that matter why we should find ourselves occasionally angry. She states that this book is meant for easy reading, and a practical guide to "changing the patterns of intimate relationships." Although she is pretty clear that the changes aren't easy, I know for myself, they have required a lot of self-reflection. Lerner also says that the relationships around you may be consciously or subconsciously against you making changes to your part of the "dance." Even in the crappiest of relationships there lies a resistance to change, despite the obvious need for it.



I find myself angry a lot of the time, this is my main mode of emotion I operate out of, and I've found that anger is more common among young mothers than I would have first guessed. I am in no way a hardcore feminist, but there are "dances" society encourages women to do, or to be, inside of our intimate relationships, that lend to some of this anger, and I am starting to notice. After being at home for a few months of maternity leave, I have found myself yelling at my kids, blaming my husband, and falling into the "irrational" stereotype that women sometimes have hanging over them. I realized this had to stop, and I was the only one in this moment to make it stop. "Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others." (Lerner, pg.102)

Mothers are classic at being an expert on others don't you think? I'm so busy looking after kids, laundry, food, house, that sometimes I wonder, who am I outside of all these things? I know for instance, that Eliot doesn't like crust on his sandwich, Calvin doesn't like mushrooms, Tessa needs to be cozied before bed and Sam needs something soft close to his face before falling asleep. Sometimes, we mothers, let ourselves go, because everyone around us is much louder and more demanding. And I believe, the louder everyone else gets, the more angrier we can become on the inside, and the more resentful we can become thus leading soon to an "eruption" of anger on whomever is on this life journey with or near us.



So, if this is resonating with any of you, I'll share some more stuff I've been reading tomorrow. But if you think it's all a load of feminist BS, then you can let me know too and I'll keep this life change for myself!! :o) I'm ok with that by the way!

Guest Bloggin

Good day!

Mark asked me to be his 'guest blogger' for a couple days. Having never attempted something like this before, I decided it was time to try. I would have posted yesterday, but the winter weather we're getting here knocked out my wireless ISP.

So a little intro for those who don't know who I am, I'm a friend of Mark's from his distant past. I got to know him a little in high school, and we attended the same church for some time. Even though I am 3 years younger than he, we hung in the same group in high school. OK well maybe it was more like the grade 12s tolerating my grade 9 presence, not sure. But it worked for me...

Later on, Mark and I worked at Camp Arnes (where I basically grew up from 89-95), after which he went off the Briercrest... which is where I went to elementary school back in 1987. I always find it very interesting to see that he is connected with several people that I was connected to, albeit many years earlier.

Anyways, enough reminiscence. About me.... married for almost 3 years, live near Niverville (hopefully not a flood zone!) in the country. Claim to fame? Well, Sabrina and I got married, bought a house, got a dog, and got pregnant in the first 30 days of our marriage. Since then, it hasn't slowed down terribly much, and it feels like we are just finally settling into our life here. Just before that happened though, we decided to get pregnant again, and are expecting our second child in August.



I work at Motor Coach Industries in Winnipeg, and have spent the majority of my life after high school working in business, usually in purchasing and manufacturing. Spent some time in college getting my Business Admin diploma.

There ya go. For those who didn't know me, now you kinda do. For those who know me, but haven't heard from me in ages, thats the 25 cent tour of my life.

So some of the things I find intriguing about Mark's blog include the Financial aspects, as well as the spiritual. I find I'm not terribly good at the spiritual stuff, but the financial stuff I'm OK at. Something to work on I suppose.

Anyways, thats all for now. Hopefully my internet stays up so I can post something more interesting tomorrow!


Terry in Niverville.

PS the pic is of my 2yr old daughter Samara. She looks peaceful in the pic, but it was quite the experience getting her to 'pose' for the camera. :)