Valentine's Approacheth

Well, now that Valentine's is coming up, I thought I'd post a little bit on some of my thoughts (in progress), opinions (still forming), and musings on the subject.

Do most married women look forward to Valentine's Day? Probably. Do most men? I'm not so sure. For instance, have you ever been in a mixed group of married people and one of the women starts talking about what her romantic husband did for her last Valentine's? The places he took her to, the surprises, the romantic things he did, the gifts, etc? I have. If you watch the guys in the room, many of them begin to get uncomfortable. Some look they want to bolt! And almost all of them are not feeling happy thoughts towards the man who did these things! For myself I know I often think something like "Uh, oh, I hope Jobina isn't listening to this . . . Doh, she is . . . well, maybe she won't get any new expectations . . . Oh man, now I have to come up with something really good!" For married men it seems there's pressure on Valentine's day - perform! Be romantic! Plan something! Buy something good! And of course we have to do it because it's Valentine's Day.

When men are in the dating days, the affection and zeal shown on Valentine's is natural and not usually forced. Yet after marriage many men feel resistance to it. I know tons of guys who either don't like or even hate Valentine's day. Why is that? It's certainly not because they don't love their wives. Is it the pressure? Maybe, perhaps it is because it the decision to be romantic feels forced and not something spontaneous and sincere. That would be a good hypothesis except for the fact that the same expectations were there in their dating years and then it wasn't much (if at all) of a problem. Maybe then it's insecurity? Maybe deep down they feel that their affection showing is lacking. Maybe Valentine's Day convicts men? Hmmm . . . I'm not sure.

One thing is for sure; you can't just ignore the holiday. I have heard many men explain why they refuse to celebrate Valentine's day (the commercialism, the forced romance, the fact that they "aren't the Valentine's type," etc). But behind 90% of these men are women who are hurt by their spouse's rejection of the holiday (whether they admit it or not) and take the rejection personally. I used to belong to this group. I wanted to rebel but eventually realized that it was just too painful on my wife. It wasn't worth it. I decided to embrace the holiday (even though my instinct is to loathe it) because I know my wife loves it. And I want to please her.

Another reason why I think that Valentine's is not always comfortable for men is because in many ways it seems that the genders see the holiday differently. Women often see it as mostly a time to meet their emotional need for affection while men tend to see it as a time to meet their emotional need for sex. Thus if you get two groups together; one of women and one of men and talk about Valentine's day the conversations will be quite different! Since the advertising and cultural expectations lean more towards romantic displays of affection - my theory is that many married men find it difficult to relate to. Many men don't naturally find it exciting to think about displaying affection without the potential for present or future possibilities of. Is this evil? I don't think so. I think we need to think of Valentine's (for marrieds) in a way that balances the needs of displaying heartfelt affection and the passion/romance and sexual fulfillment - if we want the holiday to appeal equally to both sexes.

Is there such a model? I think so. It's called The Song of Solomon, a book in the Bible that has excessive amounts of affectionate poetry mixed with tasteful but exciting expressions of desire and sexual intimacy. In my humble opinion the best marriages are the ones that are high in affection and passion. Should we not approach Valentine's (at least for married couples) the same way - exalting both aspects of romantic love? The application of this to me is this: both spouses should expect and contribute to a Valentine's day that has lots of displayed affection and lots of sexual fulfillment. What do you think?

P.S. Please note that I'm not trying to gender stereotype here, and I realize I make some generalizations that won't fit all people. For all of you men who desire more affection and you women who desire more passionate sex, I know you are out there!